and the tears come... craaaashinn'

the year is coming to a close
it's ending
forever in the hands of history
the best year of my life
is over

i've always felt excited for new year's, every year
but this time i'm quite melancholy
this year progressively got better and better with each day, month..
many milestones were set
i acheived many things
i reached goals
i let music save me
i went to 11 concerts
i met Andrew for the first time, and 2 other times after that
and it was MORE than i could ever ask for with him
i had 2 great vacations, ones that will be engraved in my memory forever
i learned who my true friend(s) are
i gained one friend who taught me the important things
i needed her badly in my life
she understands EVERYTHING.

i had a really bad anxiety attack tonight.
i had really bizarre thoughts about life and it's purpose
and how we're just gonna die in the end
and i got so worked up that i ended up in fetal position crying
trigger?
my friend's little 6 year old cousin who just had a brain tumor removed found out she has cancer.
she's starting chemo next week.
6 years old.
WHY.

i would make a list of the things that defined 2008 for me.. but its way too long.
so i wish everyone a Happy New Year..
let me go make a list in writing
i'll finally get to see where my headspace is at

oh, podcasts.

pictures.

give me some direction.


christmas feels more distant with each year.



hallmark card?



focus.

quick eyes for names that matter

more focus.

snow.

more snow.

& the snow continues.

we're getting by

what do you say?
we get lost somewhere someday
we'll take a ride on the inside
and drive along this endless, summer skyline
we'll make promises
that you and i can't keep
but we'll keep them locked
inside our pockets filled with pennies
we got dollars to our name
but we're getting by
we're saying goodbye
we're getting by
we're saying goodbye...

to endless summer skylines.


i miss you so much.
and it kills me that i still need you.

shivering for your smile.

i'm a plane in your sky
towering over you now

the shine in your eyes
release the butterflies

they flutter
i shake
shivering for your smile
your smile

it warms me up
your smile
the snowflakes are just decoration
mirroring my memories
as they fall to the ground below

a hidden planet in the solar system.

i left my journal on a bench outside my classroom on thursday
i spent 2 hours looking for it but it was nowhere
i cried the whole way home
i had everything in there
my thoughts
personal stories
poems
study sheets
sketches
and the picture that Andrew signed.

i gathered my strength to stop crying and went on facebook
to find that i had 1 new message
it was a guy who i knew from school
and he saw my journal laying there so he grabbed it
and is safeguarding it for me
i almost died of happiness.
i went downstairs to tell my mom
and it just so happened that she was saying the St. Andrew prayer !
and it's funny because that morning, i was listening
to the AP Podcast and how Andrew had lost a journal on a plane
and how it fucked him up for 6 months
honestly i dont think i wouldve been able to write for a while

im getting it back on tuesday, it's going to be a wonderful reunion.

man, there ARE good people in the world.

tangents.

there's a little piece of history that im holding on to
it's like signals from a tower
reeling me into reception
and i become a puppet to its strings
once im inside my eyes are focused unwillingly
on time frames and phone calls
like tangets off a circle
you spin me off the edge
until the strings are disconnected
and im in a dead zone
lost with no service

i need to get hold of you
because you're holding onto me

12 days of Jacks.

on the 12th day of Christmas
my Andrew gave to me
12 marrows colliding
11 big hearts breaking
10 spaceman movies
9 patterns in traffic
8 tapes a-mixing
7 chords a-crashin'
6 songs a-spinning
5 GLOBES AND MAPS!
4 dark blue nights
3 straw sogs
2 la la lies
and the glass passenger CD


bored.

my savior & me

december 3rd, 2008
the jacks mannequin show at the apple store in SoHo..
it was beautiful
i went upstairs to the theatre alone
and saw Andrew sitting in a chair so i called his name
he turned around and smiled and jogged over to me
we hugged and he said, "You look familiar!"
so i said, "Well I met you at Central Park when you opened for Paramore and we spoke for a little!"
he said, "OH! Wasn't your whole family there?!"
i said, "YES!"
HE REMEMBERED
we talked about Deaar Jack, its coming out early spring, now.
his next single is Swim, theyre working on the video now
then we sat down and spoke about the differences between writing TGP and EIT
we took a picture together
and then i told him i read Siddhartha and understood what "the river is everywhere" means
he said, "HOW GOOD IS THAT BOOK?"
i agreed and said, "Andrew, i cant explain it better, but your music is like the river to me"
and he hugged me and buried his face in my neck and i held onto his arm and it was the perfect moment
he signed my photo i took of him at the 11/21 show with a special message


we hugged goodbye and i went downstairs complete.

the show was amazing but we couldnt take pictures

the songs will be up on iTunes in a month!

childhood was a sunny day

i love this baby
he's one of my twin cousins & our attachment has grown to unhealthy levels
i miss him so much it hurts but on thanksgiving he spent the day in my arms

sometimes, i miss the innocence that is embedded in childhood
i miss the happiness and worry-free holiday sprirt
i miss believing that a man in a red suit put my gifts under my tree
i miss the ignorance of not knowing that some people aren't as fortunate as me
everything, the whole world, was one big happy place
all families were just like mine..

oh, childhood
did you know i miss you? (x7) ;)

anyway..

Shooting stars are miles away
From a town where darkness falls
The morning comes with sounds of light
Reflecting off my walls
I hear their voices from distant fields
Like satelittes in space
Their energy radiates like sunbeams
At a rhythmic uniform pace
But something triggers a memory
From days so far away
That urges time to rewind itself
To a sunny childhood day
Now the rain falls from the sky
Making a mirror from the street
Looking down, my eyes remember
Being closer to my feet
My eager mind wished for wings
I said, “Grant my wish to fly”
The stars remained just specs of light
In a dark and soundproof sky
I've misplaced the innocence but found the time
To let the music play
It's there to save me when shooting stars
Are miles and miles away

a quick and simple thought. at least i made it rhyme.

& destiny gets nervous

with a new holiday season approaching
the butterflies fly a little faster
inside my tummy

but reasons like seasons, they constantly change

there's a boy that i like
& he likes me
we went on a date and it was very nice
we walked around Central Park & saw a movie
so why do I feel nervous? i like him..
maybe just because it's something new?
maybe because he's SO nice..
my ex-bf treated me like shit, but i still loved him
so i put love and being treated badly together
maybe i should destroy that way of thinking
i have to let SOMEONE in..
i know i keep up this wall

maybe when the door gets broke down, love can break in

i'll get over it

anyway.. HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!
eat a lot!

the rain's the rain.

the rain draws an angry face
but i stop and watch
and realize how easy it is to love the rain
as it washes away something old
and polishes a new day
for our tires to make their mark on
our footprint on these roads of existence
appear as a flash
like a rain drop crashing onto the ground
so just as the rain comes as goes
so do we
and i realize that we are the rain
every single drop making it's impression on a point in time
at light speed
little memoirs scripted on a journey
telling their story from a sky above
that we trust so much

i think i'll go dance outside
i could use a happy ending

andrew mcmahon.

friday night was the show.
i got to the venue ( Blender Theater ) at 10:00am.
& waited.
i was first in line & up against the barricade right in front of andrew.
the show was epic in every sense of the word. Andrew radiates the most positive of energy throughout the room and it shows in his eyes and the audience's response.
he never falls short of perfect whenever I see him & i couldn't ask for a better night.

here's some pics:

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/album.php?aid=2052134&id=36504844&ref=mf
(its so annoying posting pics on here because its just annoying lol)
the rest are there^


highlight of the night:

Andrew was talking about how his fans mean the world to him
& when it got all quiet i said, "you mean the world to ME, Andrew!"
and he looked at me and said "Well, you mean the world to me too, darling"

i. died.


im sad it's over
can't wait for the next show!

TOMORROW..

...is jacks mannequin.
its what I've been waiting for since September.
finally.

i felt so tired today
the miles stretched on for years
and time is never ending
i rested my head on a pillow
and shifted into a new dimension
a vivid dream
flooded my mind
with colorful images of Friday
a solo piano
sitting in the darkness
upon a tiny, intimate stage
waiting for the familiar fingers
to tune out a melody
that will give rise to an anxious audience
screaming their hearts out
and when he comes out from the dark background
the soft lights paint his skin, his clothes, his hair,
and his warm smile that is home to my heart
we are connected yet again
we always are, it's just tonight
the airwaves between us interlock
and we're sharing breaths
his words are my words for the entire night
his music is my soul forever

i cant wait.i'm getting to the venue at 9am
determined to be up against that barricade

2008 is continuing to prove itself the best year of my life.
let's see if it holds up..

side note: it's 43289 degrees in my school's library and I'm too lazy to take off my coat
i have class in an hour, bored as fuck, and i have Hey Hey Hey We're All Gonna Die on repeat on youtube
i just finished the biggest bullshit paper i ever wrote
i just want it to be the weekend
actually, bring on Christmas break, I'm so over this semester.

my hands, like maps

laughs from an AIM conversation:
mkmahonnequin: i didnt andrew him
mkmahonnequin: ANSWER* HAHA
stephie telli: OMG HAHA
stephie telli: freudian slip much?
mkmahonnequin: ::thinking of friday::

& its true.. it's all i've been thinking about. 3 days.

some other thoughts:
and with a new season in store
the windows fixate a view more crisp than before
it wipes across my eyes
washing away the fumes of summer
that had me in a trance of blindess
but a new sky covered a past
and stars chased you away
lighting up a new, clear future
so with wide eyes, and an even wider road
the traffic parts
and the acceleration pulls me under & over a city
a city, my home
your home, 2000 miles away
the lights of Times Square reflect off your eyes
and the sky is luminated a sharp blue
& one day, we'll visit that place in between my fingers
my hands, like maps
your touch tells me where to go
instincts and patterns on your skin
exaggerated by Tequila shots
in a room lit by a macbook and blinking sunglasses
just the sound of our breathing
the synching of our hearts beating...

• I Am the Walrus - The Beatles

rivers turn to roads

we're on this journey

an adventure
where we don't really have much control over anything
we're just passengers
and as we travel on this road of life
we learn something
we're so fragile
we can break like glass
i think one of the keys to survival is understanding that
everything's a piece of everyone
we're all part of the big plan
we're all just glass passengers
spinning in slow motion*

boredom^













last night i had a party
at my friends dorm at SVA in the city
& 11:11am proved itself to a wish-granter once again
long story short: the boy i like kissed me and we kissed for 2 hours
and had cute little conversations and cute little moments
my friends were all high and are absolutely hilarious when they're high
one thought that the iTunes was blinking at her (?) okay..


i FINALLY got my record player and
immediately put on my Jack's record
it was nice


5 days until the Jacks show... the anticipation is killing me
so i drew andy..

• Make-Up Smeared Eyes - Automatic Loveletter

i deconstruct my thoughts at this piano

i like sitting there in the dark
just my Self & the sound & the sensations
my hands naturally gravitate towards the keys
a pattern of black and white
individually different but together, a stream of music
that flows into my thirsty ears
quenched by the delightfulness of accomplishment
I'm visually hindered
but my fingers have an instinctual map
and at one point
it's hard to tell whether I'm pressing the keys
or if they are pulling my fingers down on them
it's an unconscious experience
the music & my fingers are moving faster than my thoughts
it becomes a race
but my heart always wins
if i stop to think
the flow is interrupted by my mind
and it's anxious tendency
so i drift away
on a river
made up of 88 keys

i just mastered Let It Be on the piano after 3 days of practicing it
& i feel very accomplished
i wish i could write better but that's basically it

"i wake up to the sound of music..."
-Paul McCartney

the river is everywhere

siddhartha.

read it.

and be reborn.

• "your soul is the whole world"


• "the river is everywhere"

i can't explain to you how much this book impacted me.

everything's a piece of everyone

time to go lose myself in music:

enjoy yourself. take only what you need from it.

i've had 2 anxiety attacks in the past 2 days
& i was at work both times
being a psych major probably makes them worse because i think of all the possible reasons and consequences of anxiety attacks
and then they do get worse
-___- wonderful.

so my boss let me go into the break room for a while
in the time it took for me to listen to Spinning, my pulse dropped from 115 to a normal 85.
oh, Andrew... what would i do without you


yesterday my friends & i went out for my birthday
we just partied around Time Square & hung out at my friends dorm room
& got Chipotle

anyway.. 11 days until the Jacks show.. the anticipation is killing me..
i went to Borders today and bought Herman Hesse's SIDDHARTHA, since Andrew recommended it
when i find the page where "The River is Everywhere" appears, i am going to highlight it, and probably get it tattooed on my wrist as well

for now, im happy and anxious
and very very hopeful

• Kids - MGMT

a constellation of fustration...

i always catch the clock
or should i say katch the klock
haha anyway..
yeah its 11:11.. you know the deal.. well, ive been wishing the same wish for a while lately
& partially it has come true
so im giving up

ive been nervous lately.
theres a knot in my stomach
i love how my anxiety attacks come at the most random of times.
rawr to them. im biting my nails again. the nail polish is chipping which means i need to repaint my nails like everyday bc im a perfectionist & it bothers the hell out of my when ONE LITTLE THING is wrong.

ive noticed that i always sound very sad in my writing
truth: im happy. no reason to complain
but i just feel like this sometimes for no reason (?)
i don't complain about it though because some people obviously have it much worse.
Andrew taught me that
"sometimes, your're circumstances suck. but life doesnt"

i tend to ramble
im doing it now
i need sleep
i think im writing so much because i really want something.
my journal has like 6 pages from today

aaaaaaaaaaaah!

hope, dangles on a string.

have you ever been scared to have hope, or be happy for something that may happen.. because you're scared of the disappointment that's BOUND to paint you blue?

i find myself doing this way too much.
i feel like im jinxing myself.
ugh that's so fucked up though.
well, we. shall. see.

i take each day one at a time. im happy and thankful for what i have now.
andrew taught me that.

and thank you chris, for teaching me that hope, dangles on a string.

it's Halloween, it's Halloween. time for scares and time for screams.

realization: after a shot of tequila, and a 40 of coors light.. the lyrics, verses, and melodies intertwine at a much faster pace. my steps are easily forgotten. and getting gas for my car is quite an adventure. the smell of a sharpie brings me back to moments of aimless laughter coming from a small little bottle of liquid. oh how funnier things can be when you sniff it. but anyway, i spent my Halloween at Madame Tussaud's in the city. i was my alter ego. & then my friends basement, where what was mentioned above happened. we were shocked by an electric feel.

well now its november 2nd, MY BIRTHDAY!
im 20.
& my emotions are quite bipolar.
im excited yet depressed.
i gotta grow up now?
NO!
i think tomorrow i'll watch old something corporate dvd's and the lion king.
yeah, i'll revisit my past. although i just watched Ventura like, a week ago.
but that's Andrew.

sometimes you don't choose the Music, it chooses you.

pushed against a pack of people
good vibes collide above

with that hold their neon lighters

that sway with every shove

the lights that shine from every angle

paint us all another color

memories squared so easily

with flashes from a shutter

but my eyes zoom in on only him

his melodies push through me

rippling through an anxious crowd

that only he can see

the screams and shoves they get so high

while the sky lifts the moon

but Dark Blue hints that you and I

are alone in a crowded room

so let those hammers hit those strings
like a beat synching with my heart
cause this time i didn't choose the music

he stole me from the start

october 2001

until

forever & ever

my hero.

• Spinning - Jack's Mannequin

you gotta be crazy to stay sane*

in no interest of respected consciousness, i noticed that the sun defined the edges of the passenger vehicles a little more sharply, magnifying my awareness yet blinding me simultaneously. oh, the irony. but that's just fine because i was lost in the soundwaves of liner notes anyway. i looked around and i realized i wasn't alone, at least in the panoramic sense. but i was surrounded on that ribbon of black asphalt, this continuous journey. the exits belonged to different people the lanes were home to many at a time. together, we maintained the flow and the edges seemed to smooth over. we were all connected in this crazy kind of mixed-up sense. but you gotta be crazy to stay sane.maybe not when you're driving.
oh well, somebody raise the volume.