and the tears come... craaaashinn'

the year is coming to a close
it's ending
forever in the hands of history
the best year of my life
is over

i've always felt excited for new year's, every year
but this time i'm quite melancholy
this year progressively got better and better with each day, month..
many milestones were set
i acheived many things
i reached goals
i let music save me
i went to 11 concerts
i met Andrew for the first time, and 2 other times after that
and it was MORE than i could ever ask for with him
i had 2 great vacations, ones that will be engraved in my memory forever
i learned who my true friend(s) are
i gained one friend who taught me the important things
i needed her badly in my life
she understands EVERYTHING.

i had a really bad anxiety attack tonight.
i had really bizarre thoughts about life and it's purpose
and how we're just gonna die in the end
and i got so worked up that i ended up in fetal position crying
trigger?
my friend's little 6 year old cousin who just had a brain tumor removed found out she has cancer.
she's starting chemo next week.
6 years old.
WHY.

i would make a list of the things that defined 2008 for me.. but its way too long.
so i wish everyone a Happy New Year..
let me go make a list in writing
i'll finally get to see where my headspace is at

oh, podcasts.

pictures.

give me some direction.


christmas feels more distant with each year.



hallmark card?



focus.

quick eyes for names that matter

more focus.

snow.

more snow.

& the snow continues.

we're getting by

what do you say?
we get lost somewhere someday
we'll take a ride on the inside
and drive along this endless, summer skyline
we'll make promises
that you and i can't keep
but we'll keep them locked
inside our pockets filled with pennies
we got dollars to our name
but we're getting by
we're saying goodbye
we're getting by
we're saying goodbye...

to endless summer skylines.


i miss you so much.
and it kills me that i still need you.

shivering for your smile.

i'm a plane in your sky
towering over you now

the shine in your eyes
release the butterflies

they flutter
i shake
shivering for your smile
your smile

it warms me up
your smile
the snowflakes are just decoration
mirroring my memories
as they fall to the ground below

a hidden planet in the solar system.

i left my journal on a bench outside my classroom on thursday
i spent 2 hours looking for it but it was nowhere
i cried the whole way home
i had everything in there
my thoughts
personal stories
poems
study sheets
sketches
and the picture that Andrew signed.

i gathered my strength to stop crying and went on facebook
to find that i had 1 new message
it was a guy who i knew from school
and he saw my journal laying there so he grabbed it
and is safeguarding it for me
i almost died of happiness.
i went downstairs to tell my mom
and it just so happened that she was saying the St. Andrew prayer !
and it's funny because that morning, i was listening
to the AP Podcast and how Andrew had lost a journal on a plane
and how it fucked him up for 6 months
honestly i dont think i wouldve been able to write for a while

im getting it back on tuesday, it's going to be a wonderful reunion.

man, there ARE good people in the world.

tangents.

there's a little piece of history that im holding on to
it's like signals from a tower
reeling me into reception
and i become a puppet to its strings
once im inside my eyes are focused unwillingly
on time frames and phone calls
like tangets off a circle
you spin me off the edge
until the strings are disconnected
and im in a dead zone
lost with no service

i need to get hold of you
because you're holding onto me

12 days of Jacks.

on the 12th day of Christmas
my Andrew gave to me
12 marrows colliding
11 big hearts breaking
10 spaceman movies
9 patterns in traffic
8 tapes a-mixing
7 chords a-crashin'
6 songs a-spinning
5 GLOBES AND MAPS!
4 dark blue nights
3 straw sogs
2 la la lies
and the glass passenger CD


bored.

my savior & me

december 3rd, 2008
the jacks mannequin show at the apple store in SoHo..
it was beautiful
i went upstairs to the theatre alone
and saw Andrew sitting in a chair so i called his name
he turned around and smiled and jogged over to me
we hugged and he said, "You look familiar!"
so i said, "Well I met you at Central Park when you opened for Paramore and we spoke for a little!"
he said, "OH! Wasn't your whole family there?!"
i said, "YES!"
HE REMEMBERED
we talked about Deaar Jack, its coming out early spring, now.
his next single is Swim, theyre working on the video now
then we sat down and spoke about the differences between writing TGP and EIT
we took a picture together
and then i told him i read Siddhartha and understood what "the river is everywhere" means
he said, "HOW GOOD IS THAT BOOK?"
i agreed and said, "Andrew, i cant explain it better, but your music is like the river to me"
and he hugged me and buried his face in my neck and i held onto his arm and it was the perfect moment
he signed my photo i took of him at the 11/21 show with a special message


we hugged goodbye and i went downstairs complete.

the show was amazing but we couldnt take pictures

the songs will be up on iTunes in a month!