rivers turn to roads

we're on this journey

an adventure
where we don't really have much control over anything
we're just passengers
and as we travel on this road of life
we learn something
we're so fragile
we can break like glass
i think one of the keys to survival is understanding that
everything's a piece of everyone
we're all part of the big plan
we're all just glass passengers
spinning in slow motion*

boredom^













last night i had a party
at my friends dorm at SVA in the city
& 11:11am proved itself to a wish-granter once again
long story short: the boy i like kissed me and we kissed for 2 hours
and had cute little conversations and cute little moments
my friends were all high and are absolutely hilarious when they're high
one thought that the iTunes was blinking at her (?) okay..


i FINALLY got my record player and
immediately put on my Jack's record
it was nice


5 days until the Jacks show... the anticipation is killing me
so i drew andy..

• Make-Up Smeared Eyes - Automatic Loveletter

i deconstruct my thoughts at this piano

i like sitting there in the dark
just my Self & the sound & the sensations
my hands naturally gravitate towards the keys
a pattern of black and white
individually different but together, a stream of music
that flows into my thirsty ears
quenched by the delightfulness of accomplishment
I'm visually hindered
but my fingers have an instinctual map
and at one point
it's hard to tell whether I'm pressing the keys
or if they are pulling my fingers down on them
it's an unconscious experience
the music & my fingers are moving faster than my thoughts
it becomes a race
but my heart always wins
if i stop to think
the flow is interrupted by my mind
and it's anxious tendency
so i drift away
on a river
made up of 88 keys

i just mastered Let It Be on the piano after 3 days of practicing it
& i feel very accomplished
i wish i could write better but that's basically it

"i wake up to the sound of music..."
-Paul McCartney

the river is everywhere

siddhartha.

read it.

and be reborn.

• "your soul is the whole world"


• "the river is everywhere"

i can't explain to you how much this book impacted me.

everything's a piece of everyone

time to go lose myself in music:

enjoy yourself. take only what you need from it.

i've had 2 anxiety attacks in the past 2 days
& i was at work both times
being a psych major probably makes them worse because i think of all the possible reasons and consequences of anxiety attacks
and then they do get worse
-___- wonderful.

so my boss let me go into the break room for a while
in the time it took for me to listen to Spinning, my pulse dropped from 115 to a normal 85.
oh, Andrew... what would i do without you


yesterday my friends & i went out for my birthday
we just partied around Time Square & hung out at my friends dorm room
& got Chipotle

anyway.. 11 days until the Jacks show.. the anticipation is killing me..
i went to Borders today and bought Herman Hesse's SIDDHARTHA, since Andrew recommended it
when i find the page where "The River is Everywhere" appears, i am going to highlight it, and probably get it tattooed on my wrist as well

for now, im happy and anxious
and very very hopeful

• Kids - MGMT

a constellation of fustration...

i always catch the clock
or should i say katch the klock
haha anyway..
yeah its 11:11.. you know the deal.. well, ive been wishing the same wish for a while lately
& partially it has come true
so im giving up

ive been nervous lately.
theres a knot in my stomach
i love how my anxiety attacks come at the most random of times.
rawr to them. im biting my nails again. the nail polish is chipping which means i need to repaint my nails like everyday bc im a perfectionist & it bothers the hell out of my when ONE LITTLE THING is wrong.

ive noticed that i always sound very sad in my writing
truth: im happy. no reason to complain
but i just feel like this sometimes for no reason (?)
i don't complain about it though because some people obviously have it much worse.
Andrew taught me that
"sometimes, your're circumstances suck. but life doesnt"

i tend to ramble
im doing it now
i need sleep
i think im writing so much because i really want something.
my journal has like 6 pages from today

aaaaaaaaaaaah!

hope, dangles on a string.

have you ever been scared to have hope, or be happy for something that may happen.. because you're scared of the disappointment that's BOUND to paint you blue?

i find myself doing this way too much.
i feel like im jinxing myself.
ugh that's so fucked up though.
well, we. shall. see.

i take each day one at a time. im happy and thankful for what i have now.
andrew taught me that.

and thank you chris, for teaching me that hope, dangles on a string.

it's Halloween, it's Halloween. time for scares and time for screams.

realization: after a shot of tequila, and a 40 of coors light.. the lyrics, verses, and melodies intertwine at a much faster pace. my steps are easily forgotten. and getting gas for my car is quite an adventure. the smell of a sharpie brings me back to moments of aimless laughter coming from a small little bottle of liquid. oh how funnier things can be when you sniff it. but anyway, i spent my Halloween at Madame Tussaud's in the city. i was my alter ego. & then my friends basement, where what was mentioned above happened. we were shocked by an electric feel.

well now its november 2nd, MY BIRTHDAY!
im 20.
& my emotions are quite bipolar.
im excited yet depressed.
i gotta grow up now?
NO!
i think tomorrow i'll watch old something corporate dvd's and the lion king.
yeah, i'll revisit my past. although i just watched Ventura like, a week ago.
but that's Andrew.