a human 2 minutes.

My house is still decorated with streamers and
movie-quote posters and
red & black balloons and
a lot of pictures of Edward & Bella.

I just watched all the special features. I feel good.

I've been spending some quality time
with "Leaving Through the Window"
and realized that this September is
Something Corporate's 10 year anniversary.

That cute kid in my Advanced Topics in Social Psych class
spoke to me before our midterm and it made me happy.
He's cuter, now.

I've been writing a lot. A lot.
Most of it being my (shh) fan fiction (untitled as of now)
It's my other blog ( racingthedark.blogspot.com )
Writing it really takes my mind of things and I love it.

That's really it.

cute.

the cute boy from my Wednesday class just walked into the library.
wearing that same dark green/tan vest he always wears
and his Hurley hat, on backwards, but still genuine as can be
he sat down at a computer
opened his email
and printed out a paper
midterm week, rawr
now he's getting up and slinging his school bag over his shoulder
he walked over to the counter where the staplers are
and pierced through the thick sheets with a punch
now he's walking down the stairs. . .

that was completely unnecessary.

slow down.. .

...this night's a perfect shade of
dark blue, dark blue

it's snowed 10 inches here 2 days ago
and in 3 days it's going to be 64.

this music is glaring into my eardrums
background music to my movie
yes, it's Andrew's voice, of course
and people in the library are all typing quickly
the random tapping of the typing
sounds like a small waterfall
now I'm thirsty

the future freaks me out, to be totally honest.

live forever

there was panic in your eyes
i watched the cigarettes burn through
all my thoughts were paralyzed
the starlight a gloomy blue

there was an urgent quiet call
an ultimatum for my choice
i heard every single sound
distinguishing your perfect voice

& have you
ever
wished you would live forever?
yes, i have
i have
because in that
moment
we were both together
but now
you're gone, somehow

the lights turned from red to green
i raced home to just be late
spitting lies out through my teeth
my conscience gone in outer space

i know at night it's hard to try
paving roads that don't exist
but if you hear the tears i cry
you'll find exactly what you missed

& have you
ever
dreamed you would live forever
yes, i have
i have
but now i
realize
it was just so we'd be together
but now
you're gone, somehow

so take your life
and waste it somewhere else
and call it quits
cause i can't pretend
that we're still friends
when the past just paints
our bitter end
again

but have you
ever
wished you would live forever?
long before,
you came breaking down my door...

everthing in transit.

There's something about driving on a rare, warm, and sunny day
while listening to Everything In Transit.
It puts me back where I belong, where I'm supposed to be.
It reminds me who I am.
It's just comforting, defining.

It's perfect.

FURTHER

FROM THE EARTH.

4/21.

& i wait.

anxiety words. attack from the inside.

sit.
ache.
twist.
twist it out of me.
it's twisting internally.
bend.
try to mend.
mending doesn't lend
any helping hand
like fingers through the sand
i'm helpless and i'm changing
facets come to life
turning over
from a coma
repressed in my own mind
stand.
ache.
twist.
twist it out of me.
it's twisting internally.
thump thump thump
the race is getting heavy
my forehead's cold and sweaty
thump thump thump
i curl into a ball
secure, at least i feel
something at all
lodged inside my throat
thump thump thump choke
blood rushing through my veins
cars rush along the lanes
and then they crash
ache.
twist and turn and crash.
thump. thump.
thump.
shaky hands.
glassy eyes.
you're back again what a
fucking surprise.

this is what i enjoy

done with cheap paint & paintbrushes with angry bristles










some people want to roam
some people, they roam this world alone

lullabies & goodbyes.

it's raining
raining from all the skies i see
i see you coming down on me
on me until the rain clears up the sky

it's pouring
pouring down on the shiny ground
the ground where my feet are found
found floating above the rest of the world

i taste you
taste the rain on my anxious lips
my lips that seal the very essence of
essence of the very truth in your lovely lies

well my eyes
my eyes see past your glassy highs
the highs that held you up inside your skies
skies that never said no to our wishful lives

so hold me
cradle me in your lullabies
goodbyes, just preludes while we sympathize
so watch your symphonies crash down
beneath the sky

cullen.

about a month ago, my best friend Stephanie sat me down to watch Twilight on my laptop
despite the horrible quality and sound-to-moving-mouths fail, i fell in love

she gave me Twilight (the book) and i read it in one day..
that night.. i went to Target and bought all 4 books for myself..
combined, its about 2500 pages
i finished them in 5 days

im completely taken over by this story
i've been judged for liking it however
and im going to admit.. i was a bit against the whole craze because i saw what Stephenie Meyer did with The Resolution video .. ugh.

but i always try to keep an open mind
as Andrew said in a recent podcast, don't come to a conclusion unless you've experienced it first
seriously, i'm not ashamed to say that i LOVE twilight and new moon and eclipse and breaking dawn and that i'm pretty obsessed with Edward


ah well.. lemme get back to reading them for the second time (i miss them too much)


"why am i covered in feathers?"

and the tears come... craaaashinn'

the year is coming to a close
it's ending
forever in the hands of history
the best year of my life
is over

i've always felt excited for new year's, every year
but this time i'm quite melancholy
this year progressively got better and better with each day, month..
many milestones were set
i acheived many things
i reached goals
i let music save me
i went to 11 concerts
i met Andrew for the first time, and 2 other times after that
and it was MORE than i could ever ask for with him
i had 2 great vacations, ones that will be engraved in my memory forever
i learned who my true friend(s) are
i gained one friend who taught me the important things
i needed her badly in my life
she understands EVERYTHING.

i had a really bad anxiety attack tonight.
i had really bizarre thoughts about life and it's purpose
and how we're just gonna die in the end
and i got so worked up that i ended up in fetal position crying
trigger?
my friend's little 6 year old cousin who just had a brain tumor removed found out she has cancer.
she's starting chemo next week.
6 years old.
WHY.

i would make a list of the things that defined 2008 for me.. but its way too long.
so i wish everyone a Happy New Year..
let me go make a list in writing
i'll finally get to see where my headspace is at

oh, podcasts.

pictures.

give me some direction.


christmas feels more distant with each year.



hallmark card?



focus.

quick eyes for names that matter

more focus.

snow.

more snow.

& the snow continues.

we're getting by

what do you say?
we get lost somewhere someday
we'll take a ride on the inside
and drive along this endless, summer skyline
we'll make promises
that you and i can't keep
but we'll keep them locked
inside our pockets filled with pennies
we got dollars to our name
but we're getting by
we're saying goodbye
we're getting by
we're saying goodbye...

to endless summer skylines.


i miss you so much.
and it kills me that i still need you.

shivering for your smile.

i'm a plane in your sky
towering over you now

the shine in your eyes
release the butterflies

they flutter
i shake
shivering for your smile
your smile

it warms me up
your smile
the snowflakes are just decoration
mirroring my memories
as they fall to the ground below

a hidden planet in the solar system.

i left my journal on a bench outside my classroom on thursday
i spent 2 hours looking for it but it was nowhere
i cried the whole way home
i had everything in there
my thoughts
personal stories
poems
study sheets
sketches
and the picture that Andrew signed.

i gathered my strength to stop crying and went on facebook
to find that i had 1 new message
it was a guy who i knew from school
and he saw my journal laying there so he grabbed it
and is safeguarding it for me
i almost died of happiness.
i went downstairs to tell my mom
and it just so happened that she was saying the St. Andrew prayer !
and it's funny because that morning, i was listening
to the AP Podcast and how Andrew had lost a journal on a plane
and how it fucked him up for 6 months
honestly i dont think i wouldve been able to write for a while

im getting it back on tuesday, it's going to be a wonderful reunion.

man, there ARE good people in the world.

tangents.

there's a little piece of history that im holding on to
it's like signals from a tower
reeling me into reception
and i become a puppet to its strings
once im inside my eyes are focused unwillingly
on time frames and phone calls
like tangets off a circle
you spin me off the edge
until the strings are disconnected
and im in a dead zone
lost with no service

i need to get hold of you
because you're holding onto me

12 days of Jacks.

on the 12th day of Christmas
my Andrew gave to me
12 marrows colliding
11 big hearts breaking
10 spaceman movies
9 patterns in traffic
8 tapes a-mixing
7 chords a-crashin'
6 songs a-spinning
5 GLOBES AND MAPS!
4 dark blue nights
3 straw sogs
2 la la lies
and the glass passenger CD


bored.

my savior & me

december 3rd, 2008
the jacks mannequin show at the apple store in SoHo..
it was beautiful
i went upstairs to the theatre alone
and saw Andrew sitting in a chair so i called his name
he turned around and smiled and jogged over to me
we hugged and he said, "You look familiar!"
so i said, "Well I met you at Central Park when you opened for Paramore and we spoke for a little!"
he said, "OH! Wasn't your whole family there?!"
i said, "YES!"
HE REMEMBERED
we talked about Deaar Jack, its coming out early spring, now.
his next single is Swim, theyre working on the video now
then we sat down and spoke about the differences between writing TGP and EIT
we took a picture together
and then i told him i read Siddhartha and understood what "the river is everywhere" means
he said, "HOW GOOD IS THAT BOOK?"
i agreed and said, "Andrew, i cant explain it better, but your music is like the river to me"
and he hugged me and buried his face in my neck and i held onto his arm and it was the perfect moment
he signed my photo i took of him at the 11/21 show with a special message


we hugged goodbye and i went downstairs complete.

the show was amazing but we couldnt take pictures

the songs will be up on iTunes in a month!

childhood was a sunny day

i love this baby
he's one of my twin cousins & our attachment has grown to unhealthy levels
i miss him so much it hurts but on thanksgiving he spent the day in my arms

sometimes, i miss the innocence that is embedded in childhood
i miss the happiness and worry-free holiday sprirt
i miss believing that a man in a red suit put my gifts under my tree
i miss the ignorance of not knowing that some people aren't as fortunate as me
everything, the whole world, was one big happy place
all families were just like mine..

oh, childhood
did you know i miss you? (x7) ;)

anyway..

Shooting stars are miles away
From a town where darkness falls
The morning comes with sounds of light
Reflecting off my walls
I hear their voices from distant fields
Like satelittes in space
Their energy radiates like sunbeams
At a rhythmic uniform pace
But something triggers a memory
From days so far away
That urges time to rewind itself
To a sunny childhood day
Now the rain falls from the sky
Making a mirror from the street
Looking down, my eyes remember
Being closer to my feet
My eager mind wished for wings
I said, “Grant my wish to fly”
The stars remained just specs of light
In a dark and soundproof sky
I've misplaced the innocence but found the time
To let the music play
It's there to save me when shooting stars
Are miles and miles away

a quick and simple thought. at least i made it rhyme.

& destiny gets nervous

with a new holiday season approaching
the butterflies fly a little faster
inside my tummy

but reasons like seasons, they constantly change

there's a boy that i like
& he likes me
we went on a date and it was very nice
we walked around Central Park & saw a movie
so why do I feel nervous? i like him..
maybe just because it's something new?
maybe because he's SO nice..
my ex-bf treated me like shit, but i still loved him
so i put love and being treated badly together
maybe i should destroy that way of thinking
i have to let SOMEONE in..
i know i keep up this wall

maybe when the door gets broke down, love can break in

i'll get over it

anyway.. HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!
eat a lot!